Death by Eddie-less-ness
by Romanova's radioactive-revenge
Summary: "Death by Eddie-less-ness is worse. Most painful way to die. Worse than drowning in a giant pot of boiling chocolate." / A conversation between Eddie and Richie before school.


**A/N: Richie and Eddie are the greatest. I love them. I wanna protect them forever. I watched the movie and then read the book, and I won't spoil it in case people haven't read the book, but if you have read it you know what I'm talking about. I read the end on a plane and I just sat there for 3 hours crying and I told my sister why I was crying and then she started crying and we just sat there crying and I just. Can't. Deal. With. The. Feels. Okay I'll shut up now and let you read the fic. Hope you enjoy it! Sorry for being super depressing! Reviews are the greatest!**

"Richie?"

"Hmm?"

"You okay?"

"What?"

"You're really quiet."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Yeah"

"So are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"You're holding my hand."

"What- oh- sorry! I didn't-"

"Hey! Don't let go!"

"Oh."

"Idiot."

"Oh."

"Eddie."

"Richie."

"Never ever let go of my hand again."

"Okay."

"I'm serious. If I get separated from you again, I will die."

"Bit extreme."

"Nope. Death by Eddie-less-ness. Look it up."

"What about death by Richie-less-ness? Does that exist?"

"I dunno. Does it?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Death by Eddie-less-ness is worse. Most painful way to die. Worse than drowning in a giant pot of boiling chocolate."

"Death by boiling chocolate isn't even that bad."

"How would you know? You ever drowned in boiling chocolate?"

"No, but-"

"Exactly."

"Death by Richie-less-ness is worse than death by boiling chocolate."

"Is it? Well, death by Eddie-less-ness is worse than being skinned alive, and then being forced to watch as cannibals cook your skin and then eat it."

"So is death by Richie-less-ness."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's worse than...uh...okay, so your hair is ripped out, and your tongue cut off...and your ears, and eyes, and your teeth pulled out... and then you're left to bleed to death."

"Ouch. Still better than Eddie-less-ness. What about vomiting your guts up? Like your actual guts? Like you look at this puddle of chunky, slimy brownish green mess and you can see your stomach?"

"I think I'm actually gonna vomit now."

"Oh. Sorry."

"I'm joking. Mostly."

"Good."

"That's not as bad as death by Richie-less-ness though."

"Wow. That's- Wow. Really?"

"Yeah."

"You would rather vomit your stomach up than be separated from me."

"Yeah."

"I'm not sure whether to be flattered or disgusted."

"Definitely flattered."

"If thou sayeth so, oh mighty Eddie Spaghetti."

"Don't call me that."

"You love it."

"Shut up."

"You do! You actually do!"

"No I don't."

"You do."

"Don't."

"Do."

"I don't!"

"Okay, okay, don't- I'll die-"

"Is it worse than never being able to calling me Eddie Spaghetti again? Or Eds? Or anything other than Eddie?"

"What?"

"Is death by Eddie-less-ness worse than not calling me stupid nicknames?"

"They aren't stupid-"

"Well?"

"Um... Yes. Yes. Of course."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"For the rest of the day, you can't call me any nicknames. Or else."

"Or else?"

"I won't hold your hand ever again."

"No! You wouldn't- no-"

"I will."

"Okay. I won't call you Eds or Spaghetti or whatever."

"Good."

"Just for today though."

"Maybe."

"You are a cruel person, Eddie."

"No I'm not."

"You are. Give me your hand. Thank you. You're the best."

"You think you'll actually do it? Will you? For the whole day?"

"Yeah. I'll try, anyway."

"Really?"

"Really. It's like a test, yeah?"

"You never try in tests."

"Sometimes I do."

"No you don't."

"I do."

"You do not!"

"Occasionally I do."

"Never."

"Well I'm going to try on this one."

"Good."

"Where is everyone?"

"Stan's sick."

"I know Stan's sick, but what about the others? Bev? Ben? Big Bill? Huh. They all start with B."

"We've still got ten minutes till school starts."

"Good. Time to prepare myself for the torture."

"You can't prepare for torture. Can you?"

"I can prepare for this torture."

"How?"

"I stack up a bunch of insults inside my head."

"There can't be that many. You'd run out of space."

"Eddie Kaspbrak Gets Off A Good One! You're wrong, though. I have lots of room in my head."

"Most of it just never gets used."

"Bevvie!"

"Eddie!"

"You do realise you're holding hands?"

"What- oh- yeah."

"Took you long enough."

"What does that mean?"

"It means, Richie, that you two can stop annoying us by giving each other lovey dovey looks behind each other's backs, and start annoying us by giving each other lovey dovey looks in front of everyone."

"I never did that!"

"Yes you did. Both of you were ridiculously oblivious."

"I didn't! I wasn't!"

"Richie. Shut up. You know you did."

"Whatever."

"Did you really?"

"Yeah."

"I..I did as well. A lot."

"Aw. This is adorable."

"Bev! You just ruined the moment!"

"Sorry!"

"Leave! Now!"

"Richie!"

"Bev!"

"We have to go to class soon."

"Okay. You coming, Bev?"

"See?"

"What?"

"If someone else had said that, you wouldn't have listened to them. But you listen to Eddie. The Eddie Effect."

"The Eddie Effect."

"Yes."

"Guys? That noise? The loud, annoying one? That's the bell. It means, get to class right now. So let's get to class right now."

"I hate English."

"We could speak Latin if you want."

"Shut up Bev."

"So rude."

"You can't even speak Latin."

"How do you know?"

"No one speaks Latin. It's a dead language."

"Well, Richie, maybe I just resurrected it."

"Bev. You don't know how to speak Latin."

"Richie. You don't know how to speak English."

"I- I-"

"Ha ha! I got you!"

"I'm feeling very proud of you right now."

"Thanks, Eddie."

"I hate you both of you."

"Richie! How could you?"

"Shut up Beverly."

"You could never hate me. I'm too awesome. And you definitely don't hate Eddie."

"I could hate you. I don't, but I could. I could hate anyone."

"Not Eddie."

"Says who?"

"You just told me you'd rather die various painful deaths than stop holding my hand. I really don't think that's hate."

"Did he actually?"

"Yeah."

"Aw, Richie... so cute."

"Not cute. Death by Eddie-less-ness. It's a real thing."

"Death by Eddie-less-ness. Got a nice ring to it, Richie."

"I know."

"Are you guys ever gonna stop holding hands?"

"Bev. Death by Eddie-less-ness. I will die if I let go. Literally die."

"Fair enough. You guys are adorable."

"Can we please get to class now?"

"Hi, ev-everyone. You g-g-guys do realise y-you're holding h-h-hands?"


End file.
